(be that knowingly or unknowingly)
Learned Helplessness: Why You Feel Stuck—And How Others Might Be Keeping You There
If you’ve ever felt like no matter what you do, things won’t change, you might be experiencing learned helplessness. It’s that deep, frustrating sense of being powerless, as if life happens to you rather than being something you can influence.
But what’s less talked about is how other people—leaders, parents, even well-meaning mentors—can unintentionally reinforce this helplessness in others. Through our actions, words, and behaviours, we can either empower people to believe in their own capability or subtly teach them that their efforts don’t matter.
What Is Learned Helplessness?
At its core, learned helplessness is a psychological state where repeated exposure to difficult or uncontrollable situations leads a person to stop trying—even when they could take action. It was first studied in animals, where researchers found that dogs who had experienced unavoidable shocks stopped trying to escape, even when they were later given an easy way out.
The same principle applies to humans: if you’ve been conditioned to believe that effort doesn’t change the outcome, you’ll stop trying, even when circumstances shift.
There is an old parable of the Elephant and the rope, where a man witnessing these large elephants in captivity held only by a tiny rope. Confused, he asks the trainers how the tiny rope can hold them? The trainer replies when they are small we use that rope to hold them and it can, as they grow up, they are conditioned that the rope is strong enough to hold them so they never try to break free.
How It Shows Up in Real Life
- In business and work: Maybe you’ve been overlooked for promotions so often that you no longer apply for opportunities.
- In relationships: After repeated rejection or mistreatment, you might feel there’s no point in speaking up or trying to change things.
- In parenting: A child who is always ‘rescued’ from failure may stop trying altogether, assuming they aren’t capable.
- In leadership: If employees are never trusted to make decisions or take risks, they may disengage and stop contributing.
Over time, this mindset becomes a self-fulfilling cycle—you stop trying, reinforcing the belief that nothing ever works out for you.
The Role of Parents and Leaders in Creating Learned Helplessness
We don’t just develop learned helplessness through personal experiences. It can also be taught—and often, this happens unintentionally. As parents, leaders, and mentors, we can shape whether people believe in their own agency or become stuck in helplessness.
Parenting: The Trap of Overprotection
Parents want to protect their children from failure, struggle, and discomfort. But too much protection can send the message: “You can’t handle this.”
- Doing everything for them: If a child never has to solve their own problems—whether it’s tying their shoelaces, handling a disagreement, or managing failure—they never develop the belief that they can do it.
- Rescuing too soon: If a child is about to struggle with homework, a sport, or a social situation, jumping in too quickly prevents them from learning resilience.
- Praising outcomes, not effort: Saying “You’re so clever” rather than “You worked hard on that” can make children fearful of failure, avoiding anything that might prove they aren’t naturally gifted.
The result? A child who lacks confidence in their own abilities and either stops trying or constantly looks for external validation before taking action.
Leadership: Creating Helpless Teams
In the workplace, leaders can unintentionally teach learned helplessness by stripping people of autonomy.
- Micromanagement: If every decision is questioned or overruled, employees stop making decisions altogether.
- Lack of growth opportunities: If employees never get a chance to stretch their skills or take risks, they assume they aren’t capable.
- Punishing mistakes too harshly: If every failure is met with criticism rather than learning, people will avoid trying altogether.
- Ignoring input: When employees share ideas but are dismissed or ignored, they eventually stop speaking up.
Over time, this creates a team of disengaged, passive employees who do only what they’re told—because they’ve learned that initiative and effort don’t matter.
How to Break Free from Learned Helplessness
- Recognise It for What It Is
Awareness is the first step. If you notice yourself (or those around you) thinking, “What’s the point?” or assuming failure before even trying, ask:- Am I reacting to my current reality or to past experiences?
- Is it really true that I have no control here?
As a leader or parent, ask yourself:
- Am I stepping in too soon?
- Am I giving people the chance to try, fail, and learn?
- Encourage Effort Over Perfection
Rather than focusing on whether someone succeeds, focus on the attempt. Praise effort, problem-solving, and resilience, not just results.- Instead of: “You’re so clever” → Say: “You put in real effort on that.”
- Instead of: “That idea won’t work” → Say: “Let’s explore that and see what happens.”
- Give People Ownership
- Let children make choices and experience consequences (within reason).
- Trust employees with real decisions and responsibilities.
- Step back and let others problem-solve, even if they do it differently than you would.
- Frame Setbacks as Data, Not Failure
If something doesn’t work, that doesn’t mean you (or the other person) are powerless—it just means that one approach didn’t succeed. Instead of saying, “I knew this wouldn’t work,” try:- “That didn’t go as planned. What can we tweak?”
- “What did we learn from this?”
- Model Resilience and Growth
If you want children, employees, or teams to believe in their own agency, show them what that looks like.
- Talk about mistakes and what you learned.
- Show how you handle challenges with adaptability, not avoidance.
- Normalise the idea that setbacks are part of progress, not a sign to give up.
Remember: Empowerment Starts with Small Shifts
Learned helplessness is a real and understandable response to difficult experiences, but it’s not the end of the story. Whether in parenting, leadership, or personal life, the way we respond to challenges, mistakes, and effort shapes how we see our own power—and how we teach others to see theirs.
If you’re feeling stuck, know this: you’re not as powerless as you think.
If you’re leading others, ask yourself: am I fostering growth, or reinforcing helplessness?
The more we challenge learned helplessness—both in ourselves and in those around us—the more we open the door to possibility, resilience, and real change.